Friday, October 14, 2011

Rape me with fallacy

I know, I have always known. I just refuse to come to terms with the fact.

When I questioned what would you do if I were to entirely disappear from your life one day, I knew. When you stuttered and paused for a long while and finally said that you would only decide then, I knew. When you didn't even bother to come over and hold me, I knew. I guess I have always known for a long while now.

I also know that you very well understand that I would never leave you and you exploit the advantage you have at hand.

Dearly beloved,

I want you to know that you didn't neglect me, you left me. There's a vast difference between neglecting and leaving me.

Remember the day we stood face to face on the pavement of one of the shop lots where you took a temporary job because of familial obligation and my eyes were longingly begging you to stay even though my lips refused to utter the words of plea? You grabbed me by the shoulders and you stared straight into my eyes. Your lips formed the words I was expecting, but hoped the whole time I did not have to hear:
"I don't love you anymore, but we will always stay friends."
My heart stopped at the first five words that slipped out from your mouth. When you proceeded to pull me in for an embrace, I felt nothing because at the precise moment you said you didn't love me anymore, my heart died, along with all of the other senses I was supposed to have. I did not know how to simply feel anymore. It was the end of us, there was no chances of salvaging our relationship or making you stay. It was the day my heart died.

You swarming back into my life now does not do me any good because it makes me delude myself into thinking maybe and just maybe, deep inside your heart, you still reserve certain feelings for me when in fact you don't. I am almost over you, but you've always had your ways with me and I let you back in every single fucking time. Every single fucking time, you fuck me over and leave me more broken than I was before.

My heart isn't a hotel for you to enter as you please and leave when it is convenient for you, but I am entirely at fault for not being able to walk away from you or shun you out of my life. I am so bloody screwed over, it is because I let you. I am to blame.

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