Monday, June 1, 2015

Here to where

Tell me where I should go from here on, O'Lord.

...because here I am, completely clueless and utterly lost. I have neither direction nor glimpse of the future (but hey, I guess that's why it's called the future, huh?)

It is my last week of university.

I am two weeks away from sitting the final paper of my entire degree course/university life.

Three months away from heading home, permanently.

I should rejoice at the thought of heading home, of being able to be at the place my heart calls home, but why am I not starkly euphoric at the notion?

Home held so many dear memories. It held moments that gave me sheer happiness and believe me when I say, the longing I harbour for the simpler times I had is ever constant, but home is also the dwelling of the past I wish I could...maybe forget. It is the utter archives of every single affliction I do not want to be reminded of. It is a toy chest filled with broken timestoys that recalls for the void in my being and as Haruki Murakami says, "the heart and flesh of an empty shell give birth to nothing more than the life of an empty shell".

Once upon a time, I grew closer to You back at home, in the original church that brought me to know You and I am ever so grateful yet nostalgic of times then. However, over the course of years, I felt my faith waned and I learnt that people come as they like and go as they wish. I can honestly say that I feel like I have outgrown it. There is nothing left to offer me back there, and when it should be pristine, it just feels tainted to me for reasons I do not wish to disclose.

..and once again, I have reached a crux.

I have grown to love this foreign land...for the people I have came to know, and the potential opportunities it has to offer. More importantly, I have grown more attached to this foreign land for the epiphanic reminders and feelings I once felt so fervently for the God that loved me in spite of my sins. This land makes me a better person in ways that cannot be seen from the naked eyes. It gives my mind clarity and provides peace to my unsettled heart. Ultimately, it offers me respite...and You know, respite is all I ever asked for.

So, tell me, how do I go from here?

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