Saturday, July 16, 2016

You Never Learn

Oh, silly girl. You never learn, do you?

You never learn to forsake this trusting heart of yours, this hopeful optimism that everyone you meet has a heart of kindness.

At 11, you never learn that the nice uncle that took you as his god daughter had ulterior motives when he touched you. He touched you in secret places and when he kissed you, he let it linger a little bit too long, a little bit too wet. When he holds you in an embrace, you never learn that it is out of the ordinary that his chest isn't the only part of his body that is hard and you should have ran, but you stayed out of sheer innocence.

At 12, you never learn that even if you revolved your life around your best friend, it does not necessarily mean she would revolve hers around you, and she will pretend to run away from you with her new friends and you will chase after them with mirthful laughter overshadowing the hurt in your heart. You never learn that you should not chase after people who keep running away from you.

At 13, you never learn that all boys do is crush your heart - which is exactly why they are called boy crushes - and you never learn that your best friend can crush your heart too for the boy you had a crush on and incessantly talked about chose her over you.

At 14, you never learn that feelings are fleeting and not to be toyed with and albeit meeting your first boyfriend made you glow with elation, it would only end with heartbreak - on his end. You never learn that your fleeting feelings bear repercussions on others and he will ask you, several years later, for the closure he so rightfully deserved, but never received.

You never learn that innocent jokes with an older, mature man will plant the seeds of wrong ideas in his head; what began as playful teasing and harmless jokes would soon evolve into sexual innuendos and creeping a little bit too close in your proximity. You never learn that sinful thoughts would morph into deliberate actions and his hands will slide down the small of your back, encrouching areas of your body an older man should never come near when you are merely 14 and him divorced at 34 (or more).

At 15, you never learn that the boy you always wanted may not always want you the same way you want him. You never learn that your hopeless romantic tendencies would grow into crazy infatuation and heightened emotions, and you would say such foolish utterances you wish you could take back. You never learn that although he portrayed interest, it was because he was stroking his ego and feeding his confidence. You never learn that promises are never meant to be kept as he would make promises with you, but never fulfill them despite your yearning wait.

At 16, you never learn that being you is too much for people to handle. Being so quintessentially you was considered an annoyance to others and you never learn that withdrawing into the cocoon you've carefully crafted around yourself is not only keeping people at bay, but keeping you hostage within your own ugly thoughts and demons.

At 17, you never learn that the boy you said you'd never consider dating in light years would make butterflies flutter in your stomach and flowers grow around your heart. He would be the most doting boyfriend you could ever imaging during the early months of what they call the honeymoon period and you never learn that being enamoured with the fireworks, the balloons, all the portrayals of the temporary love he had for you as you were beautifully pure and untainted would blindside you to make the imminent regrets of your life. You never learn to listen to your mother although her words ring true and you never learn that it is not overbearing suffocation if she has your best interests at heart. You never learn that the reverie you lived in would soon all dissipate and go away once he had you - once, twice, hundred times over.

At 18, you never learn that convincing yourself he is the love of your life and blatantly lying to yourself that he could promise you forevermore would completely wreck you and alter your perspectives and principles for love, life and everything in-between when he decidedly said it in your face that he did not love you anymore. Worse yet, you never learn to say no when he comes crawling back to you at 2 o'clock in the morning on multiple occasions - despite seeing pictures of him and his new lover with bigger tits on social media a week after he told you he did not love you anymore. You never learn it is not because he still harboured feelings for you, but if he could have two slices of cake at his beckoning, why would he settle for one?

At 19, you never learn that wolves come donning in the hood of sheep and this particular wolf in sheep skin who was there for you through your heartache and misery would soon actively win you over with his constant attention and affection. You never learn that once the sheep skin comes off, they only want flesh and you will give your flesh because every fibre in your being believes that he is the sheep that was always there for you through it all. You never learn that you were losing parts of yourself as you let him gnaw away at what was left of you; he was not only feasting on flesh, he was sucking the hope out of the marrow of your bones and you never learn, even after you were completely engulfed and left in total darkness.

You never learn, you never learn, why do you never learn - in spite of heartbreak after heartbreak, lies after lies?

Now at 24, you never learn to forsake this trusting heart of yours. You never learn mellifluous utterances and sweet nothings whispered in your ears are hollow words that lack substance and conviction. You never learn all men have hidden motives and one of it is always to get your clothes off. You never learn men are innate hunters and you are their doe. You never learn they love a good challenge or two and they see you as one of their conquests and trophies, not women with open, hopeful hearts. You never learn when you so willingly bare your thoughts, your secrets, all of yourself for them - in wishful hope that maybe and just maybe, one would stay after witnessing the vestiges of your triumphs and battle scars on your starkly naked body, they consider you conquered and would swiftly move on to their next conquest. You never learn that hunters do not care how many patches a doe has or how delicate are its antlers; all they care about is shooting it through its heart and having their hunted prizes as taxidermy on their wall of fame. You never learn a doe's fight and flight instinct is to run in the opposite direction when encountering a hunter, not approach with curiosity and a hopeful heart that a hunter could love its doe whole and sprightly with life. Ultimately, you never learn that hope will be the ruin of you.

Why do you never learn?

1 comment:

  1. Wow this is a good piece. Keep on writing and thanks for sharing!